Got Milk? Hope not
by Kame-tan
Summary: Ed finally reveals the real reason why he never drinks milk; trust me, it's not a pretty explanation. Not for the squeamish or easily sick. Rated T though cause Ed's in it.


Kame: I'm warning you now; this fic may gross you out to the point of permanently changing your diet. Actually, this all started when my aunt said something interesting about milk. I went and did some research, and from what I found, determined this was probably the reason why Ed never drinks milk…Oh Alphonse, if only you knew…Anyway, the time period is present day.

* * *

Got Milk? Hope not…

Grabbing his tray, Edward Elric headed for the only unoccupied table in the mess hall. However, the table doesn't remain empty for long, as Hughes sidled up next to Ed, a manic grin covering his face and photographs in his hands. Right before Ed had the opportunity to sink his teeth into his sandwich Elysia blocked his path, a wide smile covering her face as she played in a sandbox.

"Isn't she just the most precious little angel you've ever seen?!" Hughes asked in an excited, manic tone.

"Hughes, I'm trying to eat here." Ed stated as he pushed Hughes's hand out of his face.

"Aw come on Ed, my adorable little princess is much more important than food!" Hughes whined.

Ed snorted. "Only to you." He tried to eat his sandwich again, but another picture of Elysia stopped him. This time, Elysia was sitting at a table with an empty glass and a milk mustache.

"Will you get that out of my face!" Ed snapped as he knocked the photo out of Hughes's hand, sending it fluttering to the floor.

"NOOOOOO! LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO MY ELYSIA! HOW COULD YOU!" Hughes sobbed, but Ed looked too cross to care.

"Hey Ed, why do you hate milk so much?" Hughes asked after he recovered his precious picture of his even more precious daughter.

"Because I will never drink a white liquid secreted from a cow." Ed barked.

"Yeah, yeah, we all know _that_," Hughes waved airily, "but you won't tell us _why?_ Are you lactose intolerant?"

"No, milk is just the most disgusting food product in the history of man…." Ed grimaced.

"Fine. Be that way." Hughes pouted. He suddenly grabbed his carton of milk and started drinking it in front of Ed.

"Hughes, will you stop?! I'm trying to eat!" Ed shouted, but Hughes continued.

"Yo, what's all of the commotion?" Havoc asked as he and Breda approached the table.

"Oh, I'm just trying to get lil Ed here to tell my why he won't drink milk." Hughes commented.

I'M NOT SHORT! YOU'RE ALL FREAKISHLY HUGE FROM DRINKING COW JUICE!

"Oh, so you admit that the reason you're short is because you don't drink milk?" Mustang added as he approached the table with his trademark smirk.

"No Asswipe." Ed growled amidst gales of laughter.

"You know, I think I'll sit here and enjoy my lunch." Mustang smirked as Havoc and Breda sat down on either side of Ed. "Hey Hughes, you got any more milk?"

"Of course, I got enough milk for everyone!" Hughes shouted happily.

"Spiteful bastards." Ed muttered as Havoc, Breda and Mustang each grabbed a carton of milk off Hughes' tray and started drinking the milk right in front him.

"Mmm, nothing beats a nice cold glass of milk, right Hughes?" Mustang asked.

"Right. It's _so_ refreshing." Hughes teased. Havoc and Breda snickered as Ed turned a slight shade of green.

"You guys just have no idea. You don't even _know_ what's in that crap!" Ed grumbled.

"Of course we know, Fullmetal. Milk contains Calcium to help people _grow_, not that you would know anything about that." Mustang mocks.

"You are so full of shit!" Ed snapped.

"No, I'm full of milk." Mustang corrected.

"Considering what's in the milk, it's the same thing." Ed mumbled.

"Hey Boss, since you're so knowledgeable about it, why don't you tell us what's in the milk?" Havoc chortled.

"Fine, I will." Ed responded childishly. "Not only are you drinking cow secretions, you're drinking hormones, blood and pus!"

Everyone froze with that statement. "What are you talking about?" Breda grunted.

Ed put on a superior smirk. "Farmers give their cows hormones to produce more milk, but the cows are unable to keep up with that level of production; their udders are strained from producing so much milk unnaturally. As a result, they get more infections, and the pus and blood from it enters the milk. Hormones get into the milk too, which is why everyone else is so damn tall. Not to mention all of the diseases and infections you can get from milk, like Salmonella."

Ed watched in amusement as everyone at the table turned pale based on the amount of milk they drank.

"S-so, you mean to tell me…" Havoc stuttered, staring at his half empty carton of milk.

"Yep. And THAT'S the reason I never drink milk." Ed finished.

"I think I'm gonna be sick." Breda moaned.

"Excuse me." Mustang grunted as he got up from the table and went to the bathroom, followed by Breda and Havoc. Ed laughed evilly as he saw the three men rushing to the bathroom.

"You know, Ed, I think I'm going to join you in your no milk campaign." Hughes mumbled, closing his unfinished carton of milk and pushing it away from him.

* * *

Kame: No, I'm dead serious; I actually did some research on this before I typed it up. Seriously, go look it up for yourself if you don't believe me. I don't mean to offend anyone who's crazy about milk or happens to work or have a relative that works in the dairy industry; I was just looking for a justified reason of why Ed hates milk. Sorry. Also, I have links on my profile page of some of the websites I researched, in case you wanted to know...


End file.
